What I am up to

This is what I am going to work on the next couple of days...  I found it on Frou-FruGal Projects :

 

www.froufrugal.blogspot.com

I will let you know how it turns out. I am on my way to the store to get the beads I want.  :) 

Hope....

Hope is a very tough concept for me to grasp. I gave up on "hoping" for things a year or three ago - a combination of my expectations from time to time being referred to as 'too high' or 'ridiculous' and other people's priorities not aligning with mine = me settling for someone else's dreams and thus far not my own.
These are things that I have come to terms with and have taken responsibility for my faults.  I am not a good communicator, I would much rather have the world read my mind than tell them what I want out of life.
I have chosen to remain in situations that prevent me from reaching my full potential.  I like many other bloggers do not share my "low" points for sympathy or any other reason than to share...

So many of us are out there "trying" which wouldn't impress Yoda in the least. I saw on another blog - do or don't do - it isn't about trying. I am staying sober with every OUNCE of my being at the moment. 

I had found that place of my own and I was so so so excited and on Thursday of last week it fell through. The potential buyers are no longer the potential buyers. 

I so need to move out of the environment that I am currently living in.  It is  not at all condusive to the live I have chosen to return to. It is prison to be honest - moral prison. I have been trying to be the best I can be ... but just trying not doing. That is what I came to terms with today.  It isn't that my Heavenly Father is letting me down and doesn't want this good thing to happen to me.  It is that I am still struggling with whether or not I have made the right choice to return to His church. 

I could very easily drink until I was drunk right now.  I have been dreaming vividly about doing so the past three nights.  I have for a moment lost hope that I am going to be able to free myself.  

DeDe's 6th Birthday

I live 5 hours away from the majority of my family and even more than that from others. It was a choice I made - the worst part is when there are birthday parties that I refuse to miss.  No matter what. 

Like last Saturday for instance was my nephew Ethan's ( DeDe ) 6th birthday.  For numerous reasons I have yet to make it to one of his birthday parties thus far. I was not going to let lame adult excuses get in the way of me missing another one!

Lame adult excuses began to surround me: working on Friday, wanted to be in my ward on Sunday, couldn't afford to travel all 5 hours one way (have you seen the price of gas these days?)...  so on and so forth.

I made a non-lame adult decision - gather all of your money and gather up your best travel buddies ... and get in the car -  7:30 am to be exact!

sweetest dog in the world - Chewie

Mr. Mischievous - Rocky

              

They are the best kind of travel companions in that they don't complain about my selection of music, how loud I like to play my music, how fast/slow I drive, or even if I am taking pictures with my cell phone as I drive down the freeway.  They aren't much for conversation -

The trip started to get a little long once the rain began to pound my windshield -

I was really beginning to wonder what exactly I was thinking cramming 8 hours worth of driving and 3 hours at Chuck E Cheese into one day when I saw this face.

The Birthday Boy - Ethan "My DeDe"

He was so handsome on this day with his new haircut and smart shirt.  As soon as I saw him the whole trip was worth it.  Then there were more awesome children ready to attack all the rides at this incredible empire of children's magic!

Lil Olivia Michelle - how I love her and her crazy faces

 

 

 

DeDe's big sister - Hailey - she is an amazing big sister.... AMAZING

It was an awesome day - Bianca didn't stop moving long enough to get a picture of her. Another adult excuse - I didn't remember my camera at a nephew's birthday party.  Luckily, my Auntee Helen (as I still call her even in my mid-thirties ) took plenty of pictures and probably has them already burned onto a CD for the next time I visit.

I don't have children of my own - a fact that pains me most days and most nights. Being able to be a part of my nephew Ethan's 6th birthday for a while takes that pain away.  They are not my children but they are my blood.  I will be the best aunt I can be and hope to aspire to be as great as my Auntee Helen who in my eyes is PERFECTION. If she ever reads this she will cry - and I am glad. She has taught me a million things - including how not to be a lame adult with lame excuses that get in the way of a child's day.

Change of Heart

I have been carrying something that looks a lot like this around with me for A VERY long time.

I was sitting in class last week and was asked to read the following scripture.  I read a couple words and busted in to tears!

 "Through the prophet Ezekiel, the Lord declared, "A new heart...will I give you, a new spirit will I put within you: and will take away the stony heart out of your flesh" (Ezekiel 36:26) (Addiction Recovery Program,LDS Family Services Manual).

My God, He will do this for me. I don't have to carry this thing around any longer.  I can move forward in my journey and receive all the blessings that are in store for me.

Hope, is a word that I struggle with. Faith is something that I many times have claimed I did not have. I have begun to feed my faith, practice my faith, I have taken LEAPS of faith. Here I am - I am finally believing that there is HOPE for me in this new life.

I am seriously amazed at how quickly I have been able to progress in my venture now that I have given in. I have made changes, drastic changes and I am about to make one more change.  Is it scary? If it wasn't scary I wouldn't have waited 11 years give or take. I have HOPE that this is all worth it.

I have to keep working toward my return.