Hope....

Hope is a very tough concept for me to grasp. I gave up on "hoping" for things a year or three ago - a combination of my expectations from time to time being referred to as 'too high' or 'ridiculous' and other people's priorities not aligning with mine = me settling for someone else's dreams and thus far not my own.
These are things that I have come to terms with and have taken responsibility for my faults.  I am not a good communicator, I would much rather have the world read my mind than tell them what I want out of life.
I have chosen to remain in situations that prevent me from reaching my full potential.  I like many other bloggers do not share my "low" points for sympathy or any other reason than to share...

So many of us are out there "trying" which wouldn't impress Yoda in the least. I saw on another blog - do or don't do - it isn't about trying. I am staying sober with every OUNCE of my being at the moment. 

I had found that place of my own and I was so so so excited and on Thursday of last week it fell through. The potential buyers are no longer the potential buyers. 

I so need to move out of the environment that I am currently living in.  It is  not at all condusive to the live I have chosen to return to. It is prison to be honest - moral prison. I have been trying to be the best I can be ... but just trying not doing. That is what I came to terms with today.  It isn't that my Heavenly Father is letting me down and doesn't want this good thing to happen to me.  It is that I am still struggling with whether or not I have made the right choice to return to His church. 

I could very easily drink until I was drunk right now.  I have been dreaming vividly about doing so the past three nights.  I have for a moment lost hope that I am going to be able to free myself.