DeDe's 6th Birthday

I live 5 hours away from the majority of my family and even more than that from others. It was a choice I made - the worst part is when there are birthday parties that I refuse to miss.  No matter what. 

Like last Saturday for instance was my nephew Ethan's ( DeDe ) 6th birthday.  For numerous reasons I have yet to make it to one of his birthday parties thus far. I was not going to let lame adult excuses get in the way of me missing another one!

Lame adult excuses began to surround me: working on Friday, wanted to be in my ward on Sunday, couldn't afford to travel all 5 hours one way (have you seen the price of gas these days?)...  so on and so forth.

I made a non-lame adult decision - gather all of your money and gather up your best travel buddies ... and get in the car -  7:30 am to be exact!

sweetest dog in the world - Chewie

Mr. Mischievous - Rocky

              

They are the best kind of travel companions in that they don't complain about my selection of music, how loud I like to play my music, how fast/slow I drive, or even if I am taking pictures with my cell phone as I drive down the freeway.  They aren't much for conversation -

The trip started to get a little long once the rain began to pound my windshield -

I was really beginning to wonder what exactly I was thinking cramming 8 hours worth of driving and 3 hours at Chuck E Cheese into one day when I saw this face.

The Birthday Boy - Ethan "My DeDe"

He was so handsome on this day with his new haircut and smart shirt.  As soon as I saw him the whole trip was worth it.  Then there were more awesome children ready to attack all the rides at this incredible empire of children's magic!

Lil Olivia Michelle - how I love her and her crazy faces

 

 

 

DeDe's big sister - Hailey - she is an amazing big sister.... AMAZING

It was an awesome day - Bianca didn't stop moving long enough to get a picture of her. Another adult excuse - I didn't remember my camera at a nephew's birthday party.  Luckily, my Auntee Helen (as I still call her even in my mid-thirties ) took plenty of pictures and probably has them already burned onto a CD for the next time I visit.

I don't have children of my own - a fact that pains me most days and most nights. Being able to be a part of my nephew Ethan's 6th birthday for a while takes that pain away.  They are not my children but they are my blood.  I will be the best aunt I can be and hope to aspire to be as great as my Auntee Helen who in my eyes is PERFECTION. If she ever reads this she will cry - and I am glad. She has taught me a million things - including how not to be a lame adult with lame excuses that get in the way of a child's day.

Change of Heart

I have been carrying something that looks a lot like this around with me for A VERY long time.

I was sitting in class last week and was asked to read the following scripture.  I read a couple words and busted in to tears!

 "Through the prophet Ezekiel, the Lord declared, "A new heart...will I give you, a new spirit will I put within you: and will take away the stony heart out of your flesh" (Ezekiel 36:26) (Addiction Recovery Program,LDS Family Services Manual).

My God, He will do this for me. I don't have to carry this thing around any longer.  I can move forward in my journey and receive all the blessings that are in store for me.

Hope, is a word that I struggle with. Faith is something that I many times have claimed I did not have. I have begun to feed my faith, practice my faith, I have taken LEAPS of faith. Here I am - I am finally believing that there is HOPE for me in this new life.

I am seriously amazed at how quickly I have been able to progress in my venture now that I have given in. I have made changes, drastic changes and I am about to make one more change.  Is it scary? If it wasn't scary I wouldn't have waited 11 years give or take. I have HOPE that this is all worth it.

I have to keep working toward my return.

A way out.

The best thing about not telling anyone I have created this blog yet is that I get to journal my true situation here and in the now.

For four and a half years I have fought tooth and nail to make my relationship work.  Now, I am trying to keep myself together and not go insane myself.  I made a decision a couple weeks ago that I need to move on from this relationship.  Do I love him? Yes, with every inch of my being. He is never going to make the changes he promised me he would make in the beginning.  A good friend once told me 'believe a man when he tells you something, if he tells you he isn't going to change - he isn't'. Loud and clear I hear that now.
None of my emotions relating to our relationship are going to change anything about our relationship. 
I am now looking for a place to call my own.  I moved out once before and ended up moving back here with him. I am resolute in my decision that we need to cut our ties and go seperate ways at this point. 

 

I am looking for a place to call my own.  It is a secret from most everyone I know because I don't want to fall back on my word and let people down again.  This isn't the place for me any longer. I know that. Love isn't enough if it is all there is. I will find my way. Eventually. 

Think Tank

There isn't a lot of quiet time around my house with my overly energetic dogs.

 

This one being the biggest culprit

So when I need to get some real thinking done I load myself and my laptop into my car and drive a couple blocks down the road to my favorite coffee shop - Bon Vino's

I know I need to cut the coffee out but it is one of the last vices I still cling to with all my might.  So I pay my $2.00 and enjoy my carafe of the yummiest coffee while I ponder just what I am going to do when I grow up.  Then I ponder just exactly when I plan on growing up.  Today, I shared my carafe with an old childhood friend and we came up with a plan. Over the course of the next few weeks we will become roommates and grow up together.  We each have had a rough go the past couple of years and are both getting our lives put together. 

So, once again I am about to close my eyes and jump and keep faith in my God that in his time not mine, as long as I do what is required of me - He will work his mercies into my life and I will make it.  

I am going to make it.  

Wait no more

I have been postponing this blog thing now for .... mmmm .. years.  I didn't want to blog until I had the perfect background with the perfect pictures in the perfect places.  I am not sure why being that I came to terms with the fact that life isn't perfect like a billion years ago.  So here I am...